rhondak

it is OVER...I can't go ON..there is NO REASON to LIVE...

so I can get on to next.

I keep thinking about the PhD dream with Alan helping me...the dream ends, he's standing on a corner across the road-- I say to him -- You belong to me now. Come on.

Which put me in a viscious, evil black dark beyond Gothic funk.

I really don't believe in life after death which puts me at a disadvantage for the "better place" thought.

You belong to me now. Come on.

When Alan left for the Keys, I more or less started trying to build something for him to come back to, even if just as friends. We worked that well together sometimes. This was a burning and ultimately profitable state of mind. When Alan died, I switched that to creating something in his memory--even it was me. Which was a more burning and even more profitable state of being. More than once I stood in front of the mirror, 3 foot long dread in one hand and scissors in the other. Because, of all things Alan created, my dreads are one of his living arts. And almost weekly I'll find myself backed into a corner with someone's hands in my hair asking me WHY..HOW..WHEN...WHAT and so on.

Which sort of functioned to make me feel like the created thing--which isn't a good place. Nor particularly accurate. Because I've got some history that brought me to this place and I've got time ahead of me. My time has not stopped.

In deciding not to live...essentially in giving up his life, he's given over the power of people or person to define him. Tell his story. Become someone else's legend or myth. Or funny drinking story. Whatever.

I wonder if this is the message my subconscious is trying to deliver. However, honest, I wish it wouldn't because it only functioned to distress me. Unless, it wanted my sole attention that badly.

And in all of that...the PhD thing. In all my goals, this is about the only thing I haven't done. I keep getting wishy washy on it. I wanted a PhD in Literature...sometimes Theology..occasionally I want to go to law school. I've thought on Educational Tech more as it is somewhat sensible.

Probably the most crushing remark that is with me from Alan is the thing he said sometimes daily. That we'd grow old and be dreadheaded artists together.

My desire for dreads predate Alan. But that statement was new in my little world.

But the PhD desire predated it all to almost 5 years old staring at these ants in the grass. Face down, lying on my stomach in the back yard of the family house.

So, I wonder why these two things cross in my brain's endless working at this point in time. The TikiMan and my thinking about ants.

• 13:18 Rhondak Native Florida Folk Artist Not Your Mama's Mermaids ... slidesha.re/7DLK6T #

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I am not having happy holidays. There are too many people missing from it.

which I had ....

not dreamed of Alan but the night he killed himself.

He was wearing a red shirt-not buttoned. Helping me out with my PhD.

He helped me alot. Then when I was going home, he stood there. I told him he belonged with me. To come with me.

I will tell you he remains a complicated issue...but in my heart he has remained clearer to me than he allowed himself to be when he was alive. He made some bad choices. No matter how I want to pretty it up, he didn't do me right though he often did things for me. While it continues to cut me to the bone, my not going to Key West still may not have changed the outcome much. But in my life of few regrets--there is that one.

But this night he was with me getting my PhD.

• 20:09 SlideShare Presentation : Rhondak 3 Months Of Shows Whoas Beaus Thanks... slidesha.re/6t30C3 #
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with the sound of waves coming in ..and the shadows on palm fronds blowing in the wind.

and I have always loved the Holiday posts...from now to New Year's Eve its full of heart, pics, memories and all sorts of good things. If I don't post...it doesn't mean I don't read.
It doesn't mean I don't smile about you and am happy for you.

Honest,FB has killed me with that LIKE button.

I'll be better in 2010.

Meantime, you are all very beautiful and sexy and really do up the holidays in a funny, amazing, heartfelt way.

• 20:00 I want to fly and drink my face off with fun people new years eve. Can sleep in fetal position. #

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it's like it slid down and found its place in something like my dirty clothes hamper.

You know I don't look at that but for once a month.

I have now Crush #2...a man in a convertible with a Santa Claus beard dressed in khaki shorts and Hawaiian shirts...I think bringing home coffee or something. I run into him when I'm trying to get in a good Sadie walk and trying to beat the drawbridge to the mainland. He's heading down to the rich portion of the key.

Crushes are of course, best savored and not acted on. Dream the dream.

I got some work done, thinking about other tactics and ideas.

The thing about living your dream -- even in parts -- you do NOT have a day off.

considering this is the time of year I lost my dad and grandma...it is OK. It is what it is. One year it'll be OK.

So, I'm going to plan and run through it.

In addition to letting myself know it is OK to be sad, it is also OK to not pursue a big show for 3 months or more.

I am beat. I need to rebuild my stock. I need to bring some bar doodles to life and try them out on the populace.

I may go to sign up for the jogging the 5K training 12/1.

I am going to buy some pricey running shoes.

I am going to get a mp3 or something player to replace the one that didn't make it in the move.

I am going to take Sadie for longer walks.

I am going to look at getting a bike with a basket.

I don't feel pretty, so I'm going to work on it. I haven't bought mascara in over 6 years. I am going to spend some money on makeup. I'm going to figure out new ways to work with my dreads.

This headache is crazy. 4 days now.

Wish someone would clean the house. Suppose that is a more legit to do thing than all I'm working on but..

It is thundering. I'm going to leave the door open to the porch so I can hear the rain hitting the leaves and plants outside. Where I paint, it looks like Tarzan and Jane could live.

I stocked 3 stores today and did a big show yesterday. I need to get back up a good and RhondaK display.

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