- It is 6 days from the anniversary of Alan...TikiMan's suicide...
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rhondak
- July 13th, 21:31
I still haven't worked on some images and things I used to do with him, which was the plan.
I don't want HIM to die, but he's dead. There's nothing I have to hold on to still. I don't know a lot of things about what happened to him in the Keys. I know he was seeing ghost pirate ships.
That for years after we broke up he'd call me sometimes all day time and time again trying to get me to the Keys...where he'd no doubt had stranded me in some fashion ... maybe.
I don't know if things would have been different.
John called tonight but we didn't talk long. He wanted me to go and pick up some papers for him. He let me know what I'd done wasn't right. He said we were through...which I thought was the point. He said he'd call tomorrow. He said he was back on his plan. Again. He was angry I'd run him off. I wasn't right. I had no right. All that. again.
I answer the phone but I can hear his niece yelling at him for calling me or using his phone...the situation there...that's all he really knows. He doesn't even have the ability to understand that isn't EVERYBODY or MOST PEOPLE or that life isn't like that.
I did the best I could.
I pity him. But I've more than paid him back. I didn't make the wrong move.
He'll find someone soon.
I've been listening to this survey of literature ....50 Best Self Help classics. All together they are a lot to think on--many opposites of one another. If the going gets tough, it isn't your path ( Finding your North Star or something like that )...If the going gets tough, that's your path ....if one person did something--we can all do it.(??)..and it talks about how some of the earlier works actually changed how we thought and operated as a society. I have about 12 CDs to go through which I'll listen to on vacation.
Right now, I just want to lay on the floor and cry. I don't want to get stuck here in this monstrous place ( posting pics soon of some of the better amenities like the flood likes hanging from single strange hemp rope ).....I wish all that time, spirit, hope, care I put into John amounted to something, but it didn't.
It is that old process of finding a place to put it.
I find myself thinking a lot of Oskar the Luv Pug's terrible death ... and Alan's these past few days. Like I survived them only to end up in a not so good place here in this scary crackhouse. When I write this---understand I have reason to believe they made it here. Whipped it might be one term. BC is a key ingredient for some cooks.
Did I say no to paradise to end up here at a cul de sac of sad sacks? Would Alan still be alive? Would I?
I just want to lay on the floor and cry. I wish Alan was here to talk to. But that's an illusion of comfort. I wish Alan hadn't killed himself. I wish Oskar was still here.
I painted some things today and got some work backgrounds to finish tomorrow to take to the East Coast. I might go by for a fast appointment at a bar before I leave.
Change is just really ...
I have to take more risks. Get out there. Stop this longing for the dead.
I do not know how I'm going to get through the next 10 days...so this 10 month lease is umimaginable stress.
Todays oddness is there was a butter knife on the dryer by the door. The dog's chain leash seemed to have been cut through with wire cutters.
Why?
The deadbeat daycare squad John was running here also seriously used up both my drills on their projects. One won't stay running. The other want stay drilling.