rhondak

it is next year...all over again.

Some men remain...on the HAVE TO

list.

I still haven't worked on some images and things I used to do with him, which was the plan.

I don't want HIM to die, but he's dead. There's nothing I have to hold on to still. I don't know a lot of things about what happened to him in the Keys. I know he was seeing ghost pirate ships.

That for years after we broke up he'd call me sometimes all day time and time again trying to get me to the Keys...where he'd no doubt had stranded me in some fashion ... maybe.

I don't know if things would have been different.

John called tonight but we didn't talk long. He wanted me to go and pick up some papers for him. He let me know what I'd done wasn't right. He said we were through...which I thought was the point. He said he'd call tomorrow. He said he was back on his plan. Again. He was angry I'd run him off. I wasn't right. I had no right. All that. again.

I answer the phone but I can hear his niece yelling at him for calling me or using his phone...the situation there...that's all he really knows. He doesn't even have the ability to understand that isn't EVERYBODY or MOST PEOPLE or that life isn't like that.

I did the best I could.

I pity him. But I've more than paid him back. I didn't make the wrong move.

He'll find someone soon.

I've been listening to this survey of literature ....50 Best Self Help classics. All together they are a lot to think on--many opposites of one another. If the going gets tough, it isn't your path ( Finding your North Star or something like that )...If the going gets tough, that's your path ....if one person did something--we can all do it.(??)..and it talks about how some of the earlier works actually changed how we thought and operated as a society. I have about 12 CDs to go through which I'll listen to on vacation.

Right now, I just want to lay on the floor and cry. I don't want to get stuck here in this monstrous place ( posting pics soon of some of the better amenities like the flood likes hanging from single strange hemp rope ).....I wish all that time, spirit, hope, care I put into John amounted to something, but it didn't.

It is that old process of finding a place to put it.

I find myself thinking a lot of Oskar the Luv Pug's terrible death ... and Alan's these past few days. Like I survived them only to end up in a not so good place here in this scary crackhouse. When I write this---understand I have reason to believe they made it here. Whipped it might be one term. BC is a key ingredient for some cooks.

Did I say no to paradise to end up here at a cul de sac of sad sacks? Would Alan still be alive? Would I?

I just want to lay on the floor and cry. I wish Alan was here to talk to. But that's an illusion of comfort. I wish Alan hadn't killed himself. I wish Oskar was still here.

I painted some things today and got some work backgrounds to finish tomorrow to take to the East Coast. I might go by for a fast appointment at a bar before I leave.

Change is just really ...

I have to take more risks. Get out there. Stop this longing for the dead.

I do not know how I'm going to get through the next 10 days...so this 10 month lease is umimaginable stress.

Todays oddness is there was a butter knife on the dryer by the door. The dog's chain leash seemed to have been cut through with wire cutters.

Why?

The deadbeat daycare squad John was running here also seriously used up both my drills on their projects. One won't stay running. The other want stay drilling.

What I really did was weed. As in pulling weeds. Not grow house like my little slice of meth lab suburbia...but pull weeks. I think I found a crack pipe fashioned of aluminum under a garden rock.

I have some No Trespassing signs I'm painting. I want to keep the neighbor I think began the x's fast decline ( assisted -- it wasn't a shove by any means ) way away. He may be harmless, but last night he practically shoved my mom and me into the wall running into my house to retrieve his fish from my fridge.

Seriously. In a way that made me wonder what was really in the fish. And really---WTF??? He isn't welcome in here, he doesn't have run of my house like that. It's all odd.

I pulled weeds. I through away stuff in the front yard though it is days from garbage pickup.
I began breaking cut down palmettos into the basics for a tiki hut fringe for the front of the house--theres a little fence there. I could set up a small patio thingy or paint there. My 4th on the grounds studio.

What else am I going to do with a 3 bedroom crackhouse?

Did I mention the 300 ft of waterfront?

Anyway, the good neighbors won't be back til December. I have 10 months on this lease.

I'm going to make the most of it.

If I can ... I am going to paint up a Crabby Louise's Love Advice sign tonight.

I think that maybe the art that cures me. Love advice from the shell of a crab.

It's not that I don't love him or wish him well, I'm just PEACE and he's PARTY. Unpleasant Party. Like worse than the greasiest episode of cops. Where a wife beater is like a tux. Even at the top of my high heeled bar hopping game I never wanted to hang out in the homes of lowlife types for FUN hours at a time. Maybe for amusement to write about it. I liked the costumes. The kink. The mad flow of everyones without names. I liked going from one place to another. I didn't want to settle anywhere with anyone. I liked the nightlife, baby...now I'm OK with the quiet life.

I want PEACE. I want to build a fence around my house. It is not impossible times being what they are and there's already a fence down one side.

I'll be one of those women who marries her dog YET.

IT doesn't really work here...so..my search for tabbed content code or an online generator CONTINUES. Help appreciated.

This code does work in other places...maybe LJ interferes with it.

Willmaster.com I love you.

He is going to call the cops on me for turning off the electic because I'm not there and it is in my name and he's going to sue me for half the rent in civil court. I think the filing fee is $250.

What this means to you, if ANYONE threatens you--call the cops and leave a better paper trail.

What it means to me, is just a sucky mudslide for hours or months to come.

When you flee your home on some idea you might end up knifed to death and blended up into shark chum or worse stuck in the same situation with the same story with the same elevated sense of threat, menace and entrapment...

and you estimate you've got 10 minutes to hit the road....

1) Grab your copy of the lease or related items pertaining to ownership/relationship to domicile

2) Grab ALL power chords for phones/computers/cameras

3) Complete outfits---its going to be hard to explain the flip flops even when you have dreads

4) Be prepared to mercilessly cut off all utilities in your name because you can't afford two places at once and really the time to be nice was so...soooo..MONTHS ago

5) Grab pet's medications and food/water bowls...and a familiar pillow would be nice

6) Grab all your banking items, checks +++ business receipts--just throw them in a bag

7) Stop telling yourself that has to be a reasonable explanation when REASON has not lived in the domicile EVER and you can't make sense out of NO SENSE like you can't make a goose lay golden eggs...but it is a purty little story, isn't it? Now move move MOVE! That's what I'm talking about. If you think someone might kill or hurt you, the paranoia is relevant even if it gets you around people who can get you medication for all that paranoia if you do indeed suffer it for no reason. Seriously--all this is precious minutes wasted. Then and now.

8) Don't grab matching luggage or nice carry ons---grab trash bags and act like you're in a race to win everything in the toy store

9) Consider that the love of a pet is really the best love of them all

10) Don't get all Lot's wife and look back. Salt belongs on a margarita glass--not in your bones...not in your wounds.

And when you don't manage to do all these things...forgive yourself.